Children+of+Divorce

=**Children of Divorce**= by Danielle Walker

media type="youtube" key="OBQ8Wx6JBxY" width="425" height="350" align="center"

__Divorce in the United States__ According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (2010), men and women ages 15-44 prefer marriage over cohabitation. The latest statistics (2010) show that there were 2,077,000 marriages for that current year. The marriage rate was 6.8 per 1,000 total population, with a divorce rate of 3.4 per 1000 total population. This means that exactly half of all marriages end with divorce and many of these divorcing families include children. Often times, adults are so preoccupied with their own problems that children are not given the attention they may need. This brings us to the topic of focus: THE CHILDREN OF DIVORCE.

__ Children of Divorce __ Divorce can have a profound effect on children and is often just as overwhelming for them as it is on the divorcing parents. While experiencing their own distress, parents may turn to the child(ren) for comfort and support. The feelings and thoughts of the children are often swept under the rug. They are left feeling confused, frightened and that their security has been threatened. The loss of security in a two-parent home is a primary loss experienced by the child. The world that was once 'normal' for them has now been disheveled.Their assumptive universe has been disrupted and becomes an unknown. Instead of having one home with both parents, there is now two homes with one parent; one set of neighborhood friends, becomes two sets of friends or the loss of a set of friends due to a move; birthdays and holidays are now split between both parents. Along with these, are other secondary losses due to divorce: loss of self-esteem, loss of childhood as they fill in the role of the missing parent, and loss of friends and peers. The effects of divorce on children greatly depend on the parents' involvement with their child during the process by helping them to understand what is happening and ensuring them that it is not their fault. Studies have shown that chidren from divorced homes struggle not only socially but academically, as well. The American Sociological Review reports a five year study that compared emotional and academic development of children of divorce with those whose parents stayed together. Lead researcher Hyan Sik Kim states, "Children of divorce experienced setbacks in math test scores and showed problems with interpersonal skills and internalizing behavior," (Hope, 2011). The study found that possible setbacks include stress the children experienced seeing their parents blame each for the divorce or argue about custody, economic hardships that result from a loss of income, a parent suffering from depression, as well as a disrupt in social networks due to an unstable living situation from being shuffled between parents.



With a divorce, there are some common grief-related and life-related stressors children experience, along with processes on how they are dealing with them. The stressors, of course, vary from child to child. However, there are some factors that play a key role in the affect they have on children. The nature of the initial separation, parental adjustment and resources, parental conflict and cooperation, repartnering of one or both parents, stability of economic resources, and children's own individual resources are central to how these stressors affect children's short- and longer-term reactions and outcomes (Emery, 2003). __Grief-related Stressors/Process Include:__ **ANGER/ BACK TALKING PARENT(S), RUNNING AWAY, SIDING WITH ONE PARENT OVER THE OTHER** **GUILT/ FEELING THEY ARE TO BLAME FOR THE DIVORCE, FEELING SHOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER CHILD** **HELPLESSNESS/ WISHING THERE WAS SOMETHING THEY COULD DO TO KEEP THEIR PARENTS TOGETHER** __Life-related Stressors/Process Include__: **ACADEMIC PROBLEMS/ FAILING CLASSES OR A DECLINE IN GRADES** **BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS/ ACTING OUT IN CLASS, GETTING SENT TO PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE, REGRESSING TO BEHAVIORS PREVIOUSLY OUTGROWN (i.e. sucking a pacifier or wetting the bed)** **DIFFICULTY MAKING FRIENDS/ SELF-ISOLATION, WITHDRAWAL** Many of the processes associated with the stressors seem to mal-adaptive. While this is not always the case, it is important for parents to look for and recognize signs from their children and to encourage more adaptive processes such as meeting new neighbors, hosting barbeques, or joining a club/organization at school. __ Effects of Divorce on Children __ Not all children will respond to the divorce of their parents in the same manner. Likewise, factors such as the child's age, gender and temperament influence the impact of divorce on children. While many children adjust to their parents' divorce, some will continue to have problems into adulthood (Jamison, 2001). Preschoolers lack the coping skills that are necessary to deal with a divorce. This, alone, places them at higher risk of having adjustments problems than older children. At this age fears of abandonment are common and they tend to blame themselves. Children aged 6-8, on the other hand, tend to not blame themselves, as much, but experience intense grief. Older children, aged 9-12, are better able to understand divorce and are more likely to express their disapproval, often times taking the side of one parent (Jamison, 2001). //See Rappaport, nd. for additional developmental signs and symptoms//

The sex of the child also influences how they may react to the divorce of their parents. While boys tend to be more aggressive and disobedient, girls tend to be more anxious and withdrawn. Girls are, also, more likely to begin sexual relations at an earlier age than girls from intact families. The effects of divorce on boys appear to be more immediate and dramatic. While girls tend to show the effects less immediately and over time (Jolivet, 2012). The attitude towards marriage of both boys and girls are like to be influenced by a parental divorce.

Studies have shown that children who come from divorced homes have a more negative attitude towards marriage and, thus, marry less. This negative attitude towards marriage may also contribute to a more positive attitude towards cohabitation. Also, children who have experienced a parental divorce are more likely to develop a more tolerable attitude toward divorce. They are more accepting of the behavior than children who have not experienced a divorce and come from an intact family (Axxin, 1996). The attitude of the parents during and following a divorce have a huge impact on the attitudes of the child and how they will view marriage and relationships. A healthy and positive attitude of the divorcing parent(s) towards relationships and remarriage can have a profound effect on the youth.

Despite the effects divorce may have on children, there are instances when it may seem to beneficial for both children and parents for the parents to divorce. Here is the story of a young women who shares her experiences of just that: //"For nearly all of my childhood, I had one big dream that I'd play over and over in my head. It wasn't about ponies or getting the lead role in the school play.// //Or anything that children ought to hope for. My dream was that my mismatched parents would get divorced.// //They married in the Sixties aged 23 and 29 - young by today's standards. They were a glamorous pair, my mother a dancer, my father a singer, who met while the musical they were in toured exotic locations such as North Africa.// //I have pictures of them, gorgeous and tanned, stepping out of a turquoise ocean together, my mother smiling shyly with a garland of flowers round her neck.// //Yet, without the trappings of that lifestyle, they had nothing in common, and the arrival of their two children and enforced domesticity laid bare all their differences.// //I don't take divorce lightly - the disintegration of a family is deeply upsetting for the couple and their children. But it seemed the only solution for my parents. I don't remember them being happy.// //My father was an angry, difficult man. As his dreams of stardom slipped from his reach, he began work in a watch factory, then tried to set up his own businesses, but nothing seemed to work and there was never enough money. My mother, a gifted woman who can dance, sculpt, draw, teach and direct plays, was reduced to cleaning jobs.// //At home, their mutual frustration and resentment would boil over in rows that would practically shake the walls of our home in Hertfordshire.// //We had some kind of hot air central heating system that linked all the rooms, and at night, I'd lie, head buried under the bed-covers, as the sound of their angry words poured through the vent in my room.//

//As the years went on, the rows became more frequent. I think they largely rowed about money. Mum was angry that she did everything.// //They'd throw things at each other - I remember the vivid red of a glass ashtray as it hit the wall and smashed into a thousand shards after Dad hurled it - we children would duck and hide.// //I came to dread birthdays and Christmas, because they were flashpoints for arguments. My mother complained bitterly about my father not helping around the house or looking after me and my brother.// //While this new study clearly reveals the long-term fall-out of this kind of domestic situation for children, what it didn't say was what it feels like to be a child trapped in a marital war zone. I can tell you this: it's terrifying.// //I never knew when the next row would start, so when my parents were both at home, I'd feel on edge. If the people you love most hate each other, you feel your loyalties torn apart. Couples at war have little emotional energy left to be attentive, responsive parents.// //They would snap at us when they were stressed, so I got used to doing stuff for myself, handling my own crises. It made me independent, but also feel unloved.// //Socially, I became isolated. Who wants to bring friends to a house where a huge argument could occur at any time? I stopped inviting people, which made me seem stand-offish and unfriendly.// //As a teenager, I stopped talking to my friends on the phone, because when an argument would break out, I would slam down the phone, mortified, before anyone could overhear. I became anxious socially, a problem I still struggle with. I was sad, but hid my feelings behind a hard shell - which, again, is a trait that hasn't fully left me.// //Many of the children in this new study under-performed at school. Hey, me, too. Despite, as my mother so proudly told me, having an IQ over 150, I struggled to find the motivation to study and the rows at home got worse.// //I had to retake my A-levels and ended up barely scraping my degree in English at London University. A high number of the children in the study turned out to be binge-drinkers, something that was definitely part of my life in my 20s and 30s. I'd guess that, like me, the children in the study never felt confident socially. You get nervous, so you drink.// //And you don't know what a happy relationship is like. The children in the study often grew up to be promiscuous, to marry and divorce early. I didn't have a proper boyfriend until my mid-20s.// //Don't get me wrong. My parents loved me. My mother carried me round the Louvre as a baby so I could see all the paintings. When we had the money, she took me to the ballet. My father would buy me crazy presents, such as the trendy Afghan coat he brought back from his travels.// //There were evenings when we'd get out board games and play by the fire. But most of my memories are dark. It took me decades to forgive my parents, but as I've grown older, I have realised how much they, too, were suffering.// //Born in another era, into respectable working-class families, divorce wasn't an option. My mother once told me her family's view was that when you'd made your bed, you had to lie in it.// //At a young age, they had to give up their hopes and dreams and accept being shackled to someone they disliked, and who disliked them back. As a child, I'd dream of the kind of homes in which my friends lived. Peaceful and calm, where the happy parents laughed, joked and stole kisses by the cooker. But even if that was out of reach, I knew that nothing could be worse than this awful life.// //And I was right. When I was in my mid-teens, my mother got a divorce and my father moved out. I think it was triggered by a combination of my brother and I becoming teenagers, and my mum nearing 40 and thinking it was now or never.// //Also, times had changed and by then - in the Seventies - divorce was far more common and less scandalous.// //My father was reluctant to leave, but he agreed to go, and suddenly there was peace. My mother got back her confidence, went to university and started a successful career. My father went to live with his father, while I stayed with my mother. Together we redecorated and reclaimed the house as our own.// //I was so happy that the rows were over, and I didn't miss my father. Sadly, my relationship with him remained fraught until his death two years ago. The idea of having my parents in a room together made me feel ill. There was no question of inviting him to my wedding, though he did meet my children. Neither of my parents re-married. Frankly, I'm not surprised.// //As for me, I feel lucky. While many of the children in the study were married and divorced young, I knew I wasn't ready for that. I met my husband at 35, married at 37 and have two wonderful children. I try every day to given them a different childhood to my own.// //Yes, my husband and I do argue - we are only human. But more often there is playfulness, peace, hugs and, yes, stolen kisses by the cooker. I hope we never divorce. But if it all fell apart, then I'd never 'stay together for the sake of the children'. I know how that feels, from the inside."-Leah Hardy, 2009 Retrieved from// []

__Helping Your Child Through the Divorce__ Conflict between parents is the most serious stressor a child faces during parental divorce (Rappaport, nd). During this period in a child's life, it is easy for them to misinterpret and believe that they have caused conflict between their parents. In doing this children can assume the responsibility of getting them back together, with no avail. It is important for the parents to keep the child informed. With care and attention children can be helped to deal constructively with the resolution of parental conflict. yes, the conversation of divorce can be difficult for parents to have with their children. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (2011) provides several helpful tips to parents for the conversation of divorce:
 * Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
 * Tell your child together with your spouse
 * Keep things simple and straight-forward
 * Tell them the divorce is not their fault
 * Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone
 * Reassure your child that you both still love them and will always be their parents
 * Do not discuss each other's faults or problems with the child

. After breaking the news to the child, there are other steps parents can take to help the child deal with this time and keep an eye on them academically. Along with these suggestions, the Mayo Clinic recommends parents inform the child's teacher and school counselor or social worker. It is important to maintain a routine or quickly develop a new routine for the child. This offers a sense of security and normality for them. It is common for children to experience a mix of reactions. While in the beginning they may be interested in the concrete things such as where will we live, will I have to change schools or who will take me to baseball practice, the complete reality of the divorce will soon settle in and reactions will surface.

Parents are urged to encourage the child to share his/her feelings as openly as possible. The Mayo Clinic (2011), offers suggestions to parents:
 * Keep your child out of the fight: respecting the child's relationship with the other parent can help the child adapt to the divorce
 * Don't bend the rules: Children thrive on consistency, structure and routine. Remain firm
 * Consider counseling: You may feel so overwhelmed by the divorce that you turn to your child for support and direction. However, this is not your child's role
 * Put your child first: This may mean putting your child's needs before your own wishes or desires

Therapy or treatment may also be useful in helping children through a parental divorce. According to divorce therapist Gayle Singer, LCSW (2012), the purpose of therapy is to create a healing relationship between parents and children. This relationship will help reestablish a sense of trust and respect in the family. Singer states that children as young as three years of age can receive treatment with length and frequency of treatment depending on the needs of the child.

__**FAMILY THERAPY:**__ Family therapy allows each parent the opportunity to talk with their child and the therapist in a neutral environment. || (Singer, 2012)
 * **TYPES OF TREATMENT:** ||
 * __**GROUP THERAPY:**__ In a small group setting, children begin to accept the fact that their parents' divorce is not their fault. They learn that they are not alone, and begin to build their self-esteem. Art therapy, role-playing, and verbalization of feelings are all used to help children cope with the disruption of their family life. || __**INDIVIDUAL THERAPY:**__ Often children find it difficult to express their feelings (anger, sadness, guilt) to their parents. The introduction of a third party, who is not emotionally involved with the child, or parents provides a means for both parent and child to openly communicate.

__Recommended Books for Working with Children and Families of Divorce__

Practitioners will find the following annotated books useful tools in their clinical practice. These books delineate the kinds of problems children experience when confronted with family breakdown, and the creative practitioner can use them in both individual and group treatment sessions. Children experiencing family breakdown will identify with many of the problems described, and this identification process will facilitate treatment. An Interest Level (IL) is presented for each book by age.(Pardeck, 1996)

The complex ad delicate relationships involved in divorce are explored. The emotional problems experienced by children of divorce are discussed, as well as problems related to lifestyle changes. This first-person narrative is laced with humor concerning experiences in school and home. The child does not want her parents to divorce, but deep down knows it is inevitable. The confused emotions experienced during divorce are presented. Legal terms, feelings, and adjustments children must make are discussed. Strategies for dealing with the emotional and psychological problems are emphasized. Phoebe struggles with the problems of joint custody and adjusting to her new friends and neighborhood. She lives with her father during the week and with her mother on the weekends. An 11-years-old girl aces the challenges of a new school when she goes to live with her father following divorce. The fears and worries common to children of divorce are discussed, and advice is offered on how children can face these problems realistically. The author is our attorney who specializes in divorce cases. He discusses various issues related to divorce; including abandonment and visiting rights. Nineteen boys and girls, ages 8 to 16, shares the experiences and feelings they had while adjusting to the divorce of the parents. The children are from a variety of backgrounds. Through use of brief descriptions and photographs of children in loving situations with one or both parents, this book helps children understand that even though their parents will no longer stay together, they will be cared for and loved.
 * Angell, Judie. What's Best For You. New York: Bradbury, 1981. IL: Ages 11-13.
 * Berger, Terry. How Does It Feel When Your Parents Get Divorced? New York: J. Messner, 1977. IL: Ages 9-14.
 * Blume, Judy. It's Not The End of the World. New York Bradbury, 1972. IL: Ages 10-12.
 * Boeckman, Charles. Surviving Your Parent's Divorce. New York: Watts, 1980. IL: Ages 12-18.
 * Danziger, Paula. The Divorce Express. New York: Delacorte, 1982. IL: Ages 12-13.
 * Fisher, Lois I. Rachel Vellars. How Could You? New York: Dodd Mead, 1984. IL: Ages 9-12
 * Gardner, Richard. The Boys' and Girls' Book About Divorce. New York: Science House, 1970. IL: Ages 9-12.
 * Glass, Stuart. A Divorce Dictionary: A Book For You And Your Children. Boston, 1980. IL: Ages 10-12.
 * Krementz, Jill. How it Feels When Parents Divorce. New York: Knopf, 1984. IL: Ages 9-14.
 * Pursell, Margaret. A Look at Divorce. Minneapolis: Lerner Publications, 1978. IL: Ages 5-8.
 * Beal, E. (1980). Separation, divorce and single-parent families. In E. Carter, M. McGoldrick (Eds.), The family life cycle. New York: Gardner Press.
 * Goldman, A., & King, M. (1985). Counseling children of divorce. School Psychology Review, 1 280-290.
 * Guidubaldi, J. (1984) Differences in children's divorce adjustment across grade level and gender. A report from the NASP-Kent State nationwide project. Kent, OH: Kent State University.
 * Kupisch, S., Rudolph, L., & Weed, E. (1984). The impact of the divorce process in the family, March 1983, Southeastern Psychological Association. Presentation published in ERIC/CAPS. Resources in Education, January 1984, ed 233277.
 * Wallerstein, J. (983). Children of divorce: The psychological tastes of the child. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 53, 230-243.
 * Wallerstein, J., & Kelly, J. (1980). Surviving the breakup: How children and parents cope with divorce. New York: Basic Books.

__Sources__

American Academy of child and Adolescent Psychiatry. (2011). “Children and Divorce,” Retrieved from []

Axinn, W. G., & Thornton, A. (1996). The influence of parents' marital dissolutions on children's attitudes toward family formation. Demography, 33(1), 66-81. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/222965078?accountid=14800 View this document in ProQuest

Center for Disease Control and Prevention. (2010). FastStats: Marriage and Divorce. Retrieved from []

Emery, Robert E., & Kelly, Joan B. (2003). Children's adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives, 52(4), 352-362. Retrieved from []

Goodwin, PY., Mosher, WD., Chandra, A. (2010). Marriage and cohabitation in the United States: A statistical portrait based on Cycle 6 (2002) of the National Survey of Family Growth. National Center for Health Statistics. Vital Health Stat 23(28). Retrieved from []

Hope, Jenny. (2011). Divorce permanently harms learning and affects their ability to make friends. Retrieved March 20, 2012 from []

Jamison, Lesley Foulkes, Ph. D. (2001). The Effects of Divorce on Children. Clinical Psychology Associates. Retrieved from []

Jolivet, K. R. (2012). The psychological impact of divorce on children: What is a family lawyer to do? American Journal of Family Law, 25(4), 175-183. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/906046843?accountid=14800 View this document in ProQuest

Mayo Clinic. (2011). Children’s Health. “Children and Divorce: Helping Kids After a Break-up.” Retrieved from []

Pardeck, J. T. (1996). Recommended books for helping children deal with separation and divorce. Adolescence, 31(121), 233-7. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/195933967?accountid=14800 View this document in ProQuest

Rappaport, Lori Ph. D. (n.d.). “Growing up great.” Retrieved from []

Singer, Gayle. (2012). Healing the broken heart. Retrieved from http://childrenofdivorce.com/

YOUTUBE. (2010). A true interview: Children of Divorce. Retrieved from []