natasha

// Parents Loss of their Child to Death/Accidental // This population needs to be addressed because there have been an increase in accidental deaths and I have a close friend that has experienced first hand the loss of a child by her own doing (child was on the outside of the car in the back when she suddenly felt a bump and realized that she had accidentally ran over him). I would like for others to be aware of the grief, pain, guilt that most parents feel when losing a child. Not only would I like for others to become aware of the deaths but to become aware of support systems for parents who has experienced such a loss.

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The parent-child bond is one of the most meaningful relationships a person will experience. Parents who have lost a child can often feel that a part of them has died. The despair and pain that follow a child's death is thought by many to exceed all other experiences. Parents are simply not supposed to outlive their children and no parent is prepared for a child's death.

The length of a child's life does not determine the size of the loss. Parents are intimately involved in the daily lives of young children, and their child's death changes every aspect of family life, often leaving an enormous emptiness. Parents may be less involved in the everyday lives of older children and adolescents, but death at this age occurs just when children are beginning to reach their potential and become independent individuals. When an adult child dies, parents not only lose a child, but often a close friend, a link to grandchildren, and an irreplaceable source of emotional and practical support, Parents who lose an only child also lose their identity as parents, and perhaps the possibility of grandchildren.

When any child dies, parents grieve the loss of possibilities and all of the hopes and dreams they had for their child. They grieve the potential that will never be realized and the experiences they will never share. When a child dies, a part of the future dies with them.

Primary Loss-
 * // Primary and Secondary Loss: //**
 * Loss of Child

Secondary Loss-
 * Loss of being a parent to that child or to children if child was the only child

**Dimensional Assessment of Bereavement**
 * Grief Related Stressors || * Intense Shock
 * Confusion
 * Overwhelming Sadness
 * Intense Anger and Fear
 * Feelings of resentment || Processes || * parents are in disbelief
 * parents can not seem to understand why this happened to them
 * facing daily tasks has become difficult
 * bitterness and unfairness
 * resent other parents with healthy children ||
 * Life-Oriented Stressors || * Isolation
 * Loss of spiritual beliefs
 * Over protective || Processes || * refrain from being around others
 * blame God or higher being for loss
 * shadows living child in every thing they do and do not allow them to become out of their sight ||

Mothers and fathers may grieve in different ways. One parent may find talking helps, while the other may need quiet time to grieve alone. Cultural expectations and role differences also affect how men and women grieve. Men are often expected to control their emotions, to be strong, and to take charge of the family. Women may be expected to cry openly and to want to talk about their grief. A working father may become more involved in his job to escape the sadness and daily reminders at home. A stay-at-home mother may be surrounded by constant reminders and may feel she lacks a purpose now that her job as caregiver has abruptly ended. This is especially true for a parent who spent months or even years caring for a child with cancer.
 * //__ Literature __//**

Differences in grieving can cause relationship difficulties at a time when parents need each other's support the most. One parent may believe that the other is not grieving properly or that a lack of open grief means he or she loved the child less. It is important for parents to talk openly about their grief and for each parent to understand and accept the other's coping style.

Parents report that they never really “get over” the death of a child, but rather learn to live with the loss. The death of a child may compel parents to rethink their priorities and reexamine the meaning of life. It may seem impossible to newly grieving parents, but parents do go on to find happiness and reinvest in life again. An important step for many parents is to create a legacy for their child Parents may choose to honor their child by volunteering at a local hospital or a cancer support organization.

Or, parents may work to support interests their child once had, start a memorial fund, or plant trees in their child’s memory. It is important to remember that it is never disloyal to the deceased child to re-engage in life and to find pleasure in new experiences.

Every child changes the lives of his or her parents. Children show us new ways to love, new things to find joy in, and new ways look to at the world. A part of each child’s legacy is that the changes he or she brings to a family continue after the child's death. The memories of joyful moments you spent with your child and the love you shared will live on and always be part of you.

**//__ Interventions __//** As much as it hurts, it is natural and normal to grieve. Some parents find the following suggestions helpful while grieving:
 * Talk about your child often and use his or her name.
 * Ask family and friends for help with housework, errands, and taking care of other children. This will give you important time to think, remember, and grieve.
 * Take time deciding what to do with your child's belongings—don't rush to pack up your child's room or to give away toys and clothes.
 * Prepare ahead of time for how to respond to difficult questions like "How many children do you have?" or comments like "At least you have other children." Remember that people aren't trying to hurt you; they just don't know what to say.
 * Prepare for how you want to spend significant days, such as your child's birthday or the anniversary of your child’s death. You may want to spend the day looking at photos and sharing memories or start a family tradition such as planting flowers.
 * Because of the intensity and isolation of parental grief, parents may especially benefit from a support group where they can share their experiences with other parents who understand their grief and can offer hope.

**// Loss of Child Poem //**

**__ “I Cried” __**

I cried hot burning tears...

That stung my soul as they stung my cheeks.

I closed my eyes wishing I could close my ears

As those awful words were said...

Those evil cruel words that noone wanted to say...

Your child is gone....

Your child is no more.

But you are not gone, don't they know?

For you are here…

Right here in my broken aching heart.

And I cry hot burning tears...

That sting my soul as they sting my cheeks.

©2004 Bobbie Sheranko

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